A New Religion

Jesus, born 2000 years ago, in Bethelehem. Who was this man? The Muslims believe he was a prophet, Christians believed he was the son of God and some Jews even believe he was a heretic! But we have a different take on the story...
BASTARDISM?- One of our first takes on Jesus, is to remind us all that, in the non-slang sense of the term, Jesus was a bastard (as we know Joseph and Mary were not married when Jesus was born). Another theory is related to the Angel Gabriel. In most incidences God will talk personally to his "chosen people", but why not in Mary's case? Was he shy, or was God involved at all? There could be another reason Jesus had his heavenly powers, was he infact the bastard son of Gabriel? This is what we believe, we believe, subdueing Mary with his heavenly charm, Gabriel had a one night stand with Mary. Like when ones wife reguarly gets off with he postman, there is no evidence Mary didn't do this with her local angel.
AUTHORISM?- Well why do we worship this Bastard? We believe one day, Jesus sat down and decided, "i'm going to write a big book!" This was a glorious book, very well written by who was clearly an amazing and gifted author. Unfortunately, Pontius Pilote,( Roman governor of Jesus town at this time) had no taste in such glorious arts and declared "i say this um... BIBLE makes for a very uninteresting read! This Jesus must be brought to his senses!" Unfortunately, the die was cast, Pontius Pilot sentenced Jesus to have both of his hands chopped off, so he could never write again. We disagree with Pilot, once we had read Jesus's bible we said " i say this um... BIBLE is a spiffing good read! Who pray tell is the writer of such an interesting book! Um... oh a man called Jesus! ALL HAIL JESUS! THE GLORIUS AUTHOR!

So there we have it, the beliefs of BASARDIST-AUTHORISM.
( No offence is intended to any religion in this passage, and i should hope we are not discriminated against either,
sincerely, High Priest Michael.)